For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone…

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

AUDREY HEPBURN

I Killed a Polar Bear This Morning & All I Got Was This Gorgeous Hair

For those rare occasions that you need to do something besides pull your hair into a ponytail—NO HEAT CURLS!  & I don’t mean those horrid clippy foam grandma-rollers that make “getting your beauty sleep” a distant dream & then make you look like a cross between a poodle & a certain 1930’s child actress.  But like the old-school foamy things, you leave this overnight (or throughout the day if your curls need to be fresh that evening).  If you haven’t heard of this method yet, it’s amazing—all you need is an elastic headband & an entire can of hairspray.  Okay, not THAT much hairspray.  But really, this method is magic.  & the only way it could possibly be simpler is to wave a wand & say, “Cabello curl-o!"  To do this, your hair needs to be dry or almost dry (I find that 85-90% dry is easiest to work with, but do what works best for YOUR hair) because it won’t dry well wrapped around the headband.  For those of you whose hair doesn’t curl well, I suggest working a little mousse evenly through your hair while it is still pretty damp, then just let it air dry.  Now you are ready to experience the awesome.  I know that’s not grammatically correct, but "experience the awesomeness" just didn’t sound as…well, awesome.  That one was correct.  Okayyy, moving on…  

Step one:  Put the headband on wrong so you look like a hippie.  Give your hair a little poof so it doesn’t look like a helmet when you take it down.

          If a hippie’s hair married Snooki’s hair & they had a really tacky hair-child together, this is what it would look like.

Step dos:  Starting at the front, take small sections of hair, like so:

If you have hair that doesn’t hold well, spray lightly with hairspray before tucking the lock of hair around & under the headband.

Something’s hinky about these photos.  Can you see it? & yes, I do watch NCIS.

Wrap each side, working towards the back of the head & meeting in the middle.

Step C:  Lightly spray all-over with hairspray.  Just not too much or the curls will be stiff, not bouncy.  If your hair holds curl well or you just really like cute fuzzy baby bears, skip this step.

Step ([4+√25]x10)/22.5 :  Go to bed.  Or read Twilight, or watch old infomercials, or whatever it is you do for fun for hours on end.  No, scratch that.  Don’t read any Stephenie Meyer novels.  But enjoy those Oxy-Clean commercials.  RIP Billy Mays.  You were legendary.  Like Chuck Norris, but with darker hair & cleaner laundry….Anywho, just leave your hair like that for the next several hours.

Step five (back to plain English, as a reward for doing all that math):  Gently remove the headband.  Carefully comb your hair & reshape curls.  I don’t have a picture for this step, but you’re smart.  You can figure it out for yourself.  Spray again with hairspray, unless you did step three.

DONE!

& guess what?  My curls still looked pretty good after more than 24 hours (including sleeping!) last time.  A little frizzy from the whole sleeping thing, but overall, not too terrible.  & I have proof:

See?  Actually, there’s something else wrong with the photos.  The earlier ones were taken for this post before I dyed my hair darker.  This one was taken Thursday.

Please excuse the superfluity of irrelevent links & other forms of ridiculousness found in this post.  No, don’t.  Just deal.  But not drugs.  Who needs crack when you can have strawberry milk?  What?  No, that’s not random.  I’m drinking strawberry milk.

Sweet nectar of the gods I don’t believe in.  I could get into what I do believe, but I think that’s enough rabbit trails for today.  You can ask me here or here if you want to know.


Helpful Hint:  If your nails are painted, no one can see the dirt underneath them.

Another Helpful Hint:  This only works if you can be bothered to repaint them when the polish chips.  For those of you who are like me, that would mean every two hours.